A. Hole Coulter is a useless wench

Clearly, I like easy targets. Mr. guy from a few days ago, who has a terminal fear of organic toilet paper and hybrid cars, and now I'm going to whine about this precious little lady, A. Hole Coulter*. You'll see a bit later why I'm referring to her as if her first name is Anus and she's chosen never to use it. By the way, I could have chosen to link to far more offensive pictures of her - believe me, a quick search reveals there are many. However, I believe the crazy in her eyes shines best when unadorned. In that picture she looks like she's about to go out hunting babies, and it is not remotely doctored.

Every few months, in trawling the web, my deep distaste for this woman and anyone remotely like her is rekindled. This is because every few months she spits out another terrible book with some far too ironic title like Slander or Treason.  Also, it is a symptom of the sadistic relationship I have with the internet: I need to watch and read things that infuriate me to stave off boredom. I've never actually read any her terrible books, mostly because I wouldn't deign to spend money on that kind of horseshit, and the libraries here in Edinburgh, shockingly, haven't bothered to stock her high class literature. Money aside, I have a feeling I would get a few pages in and vomit all over the book in disgust, rendering the rest of it unreadable anyway.

This time the book is called Guilty, and she's traipsing around the TV and Internets promoting it with her usual defensive and incendiary attitude. The first thing I watched was this, where she talks to Danny Deutsch about her "ideals". She can't even make any up. Here's my summary, because I can't be bothered to type it word for word - although I do recommend you actually watch it for yourself if you're concerned about my literary liscence.

Danny: If your dreams about the country came true, what would the country look like?

A. Hole Coulter: Like the republican convention!

Danny: Um, ok - but that's politics, so what would the country look like.

A. Hole Coulter: It would look like an all Republican Congress, president, and judiciary (only attractive) kicking Joe Lieberman**.

Danny: But what would the COUNTRY look like? Not the government, BUT THE COUNTRY.

A. Hole Coulter: People will be happy, Christian, and tolerant, of everyone else because we're all Christian and happy. If Christianity doesn't make you happy you'll be a happy Christian! Happy Christian people being tolerant of other happy Christian people, an they can even be not white! I'll allow it. People in NY who think they're not racist have a chip on their shoulder, I saw it on Seinfeld, which is an academic journal about social attitudes.

Danny: ??

A. Hole Coulter: We should all be Christian. You're Jewish, and you're not even good at it because you don't practice, because...I say so.

Danny: I do though. Can I goad you into somehow saying what you mean in a less offensive way?

A. Hole Coulter: I have a fast track to perfect you and all Jews. That's what Christianity is all about. I consider myself a perfected Jew, who is not anti-semitic.

Danny: You're really offensive. Let's go to commercial.

A. Hole Coulter: No offense! But you suck until you're Christian. Badly.

There is so much here that's offensive, but since all of that is easy to spot, I'm going to harp on about something you may have missed: she thinks its acceptable to cite Seinfeld. She really thinks the social attitudes of contemporary New Yorkers are truly depicted in Seinfeld, which, by the way, went off the air over ten years ago. So, she must also think that about 20% of the population of the city lives a life vaguely like Kramer - they just have a funny walk, know how to enter a room, and are easily startled. This is a demographic fact. 

Before moving onto my final point, I'll direct your attention to another video from her retarded publicity circus, where she talks to Matt Lauer. She spends the first few minutes screaming about how Matt Drudge started a rumour that she wasn't allowed on the show, and how dare they threaten not to let her on and also nothing Matt Drudge says is true. She literally, within a few breaths, acts offended that she may not have been permitted on, and then points out HERSELF that only Matt Drudge reported it and he's a retarded liar. Matt Lauer looks like he's not sure what his utility is in the situation.

But the best part is when Matt asks her why, on earth, does she continually refer to Barack Obama in her book as B. Hussein Obama? The best she can do is scream on and on about how "that's his naaaaame!!" and she thinks its funny and ironic that Saddam Hussein shared it. Well, you know what A. Hart, you're not a fucking comedian. Some of what you say might sometimes be confused for comedy, because its so utterly ridiculous, but what you supposedly are is a "conservative commentator". Don't try to be funny. 

And more than anything, don't be such a liar. She's usually not shy about being hateful.  I don't know why she's trying to pretend that referring to him as B. Hussein Obama wasn't a blatant attempt to portray him as a "Muslim Terrorist Other" while trying to avoid being overtly racist. She seriously thinks we're going to buy that referring to him as that constantly, throughout hundreds of pages, was just a fumbling attempt at "irony". I don't give a shit what his middle name is, but she knows full well that a lot of her readers are about half as smart as she is (read: clinically retarded), and will read "Hussein" in the same backassed way she does.

While I wholeheartedly thank A. Hole Coulter's ridiculous rhetoric for staving off my boredom once more, my strongest feeling about her is "WHY ARE YOU HERE???" And by here, I mean in the media. Fine, anyone can write a shitty book (I have some perverse desire to own this, for example. And it has to be the updated and expanded version - I need all the answers to the question posed). Anyone can run around having their own website or blogging (see this). But why oh why are major television networks and newspapers spending time on A. Hole? Why is she not completely irrelevant? Who in the hell gave her the title "conservative commentator"? Clearly, she gave it to herself. I just can't understand why everyone else is playing along. It's completely expected that there will be crazies on the fringe (of both sides) saying disgusting things, it's the nature of the political bellcurve. But when did it become the norm that the crazies get airtime? The most bothersome thing about it is that I can't think of someone quite so fringe on the left that gets so much airtime. If I could, I'd be all about the fairness. Embrace the whole curve. 

It's Friday, so I'm going to wrap up this post by going and getting drunk.

*Her middle name is actually Hart, but it's more fun this way.

**No one likes Joe Lieberman.