The elegance of Michelle Bachman

Michelle Bachman is a rare gem of narcissism and deluded insanity. Like A. Hole Coulter, she has crazy eyes. She looks possessed. As a bit of a scientist, I'm wondering if this is more than a correlation: does this amount of crazy need to escape through the eye sockets to keep the head from exploding?

Ironically, she probably believes in exorcisms. She should probably have one. Soon.

I don't know if it's plastic surgery that keeps her eyes open like that or what, but it's creepy. No one should ever look this good flanked by hellfire.

This, um, "look" that Michelle Bachmann cultivates, is what makes the video unbelieveable

Let's dissect this, as I like to do.

To begin with, I love how vague this is. "They're after you now - she's this, she's that, bup bup bup."

OH NO THEY DI'INT! This?! That??! BUP! Three BUPS! How dare they.

What in the hell does this mean? Well, what little Billy here is so delicately dancing around with the "this" and the "that" and the "BUP" is that the liberal media are saying Michelle Bachmann is certifiable - for good reason. She runs around saying things like, "we're running out of rich people in this country", tells people to take up arms against Obama and his proposed legislation, she thinks that filling out the census is dangerous and won't do it (and that this has something to do with ACORN?), and asserts that Obama is going to open "youth re-education camps" where people are indoctrinated with liberal government philosophy. In case there was some doubt as to how much my liberal bias is colouring my judgement of Michelle Bachmann, let's look to psychiatry's definition of a delusion from the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for mental disorders):

• A false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everybody else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary. The belief is not one ordinarily accepted by other members of the person's culture or subculture.

I think the beliefs that we're running out of rich people in America, that the census is dangerous (well, maybe if you're a census worker), and that Obama is running secret re-education camps all qualify as delusions. Combine this with her conviction that MSNBC has it out for her and she's halfway to schizophrenia. This woman is off the reservation.

BUT WAIT. These delusions are irrelevant because:

• She does not throw spaghetti
• She doesn't use bad language
• She will "make nice with*" black people, like Al Sharpton, if she has to.

Given these three facts about Michelle Bachmann, it couldn't possibly be that anyone is criticising her based on what she actually says. She DOES NOT throw spaghetti, people! She must be a reasonable human being. So why are they out to get her?

It's because she's happy and she doesn't need government! It's because she has a husband and kids, and let's be real here, that's rare in politics (just kidding: 85% of congressmen/women are married). Michelle Bachmann doesn't need government like all of these childless, single, hairy-pitted socialists - oh, well you know, not for most stuff, but she does need it for um, every job she's ever had. Oh, and for paying to teach creationism to her kids and others. She needs it for that, but she doesn't need it! She's happy, you guys! Why are you all so jealous of her government-dependentfree happiness?

Break it down for us, Billy O'Reilley: it's because she's young (-ish, thanks l'il Billy, we wouldn't want to flatter the woman too much) and attractive. Her and Sarah Palin just incite catfights with their mere shiny haired, wild-eyed existence. Because, OBVIOUSLY, it's women who can't stand attractive, successful women. Nancy Pelosi keeps hassling poor Michelle at her locker outside the Hall of Congress because she gets all the boys, and Nancy is jealous - she's seen how Michelle looks at Joe Biden, and she is having none of it. She called her rough gang of friends over at MSNBC and now IT'S ON. It couldn't possibly be that MSNBC picked up on one of a million incendiary and delusional things Bachmann says. Michelle is just being hassled by people because she's so pretty and happy, why can't you just let her be great?

The lesson in all of this, people, is that if maybe democratic women like Nancy and Hilary and Barbara would just be prettier, Billy and his friends wouldn't have such a problem with them.

The fact that someone can say something so obviously dripping with sexism, and cloak it as if it's not an opinion or projection, but just a description of reality, is nauseating. In Billy's addled mind, it's not that he's sexist, it's that it's such a shame that women in this culture can't handle how HOT MICHELLE BACHMANN IS!

Thank god these people are a little further away from being in charge.

*make nice?! What are you, 5??

UPDATE: By the way, by the magical hand of internet search algorithms, the video below is the #2 related video the O'Reilley/Bachmann linked earlier.

Fitting, somehow.